Looking back

Checking out this site reminded me of my first encounter with street harassment in the Boston area. It was about 20 years ago, but apparently, not much has changed. I was walking in Cambridge, over by Mt. Auburn Cemetery on the way to my bus stop after school. I was probably eleven or twelve, and I must have had to stay late or something because I was alone, and usually I walked with friends. As I was walking along the sidewalk, a man rode up from behind me on a bicycle. He was in the street, but he slowed down when he was parallel to me and said “Hi!” I thought it was kind of weird, but I said “Hi!” back, put my head down to avoid his gaze, and kept walking. Since he was on a bike, he was ahead of me by that point, but he turned around and rode back towards me, this time pointing down at his crotch. And that’s when I saw it. His horrible, nauseatingly pale, half-flaccid penis hanging out of his pants. For a second, I just stared at it confused. I had never seen a white man’s penis before (I’d only seen my brother’s and my dad’s) and the first thing that popped into my middle-school brain was that he had a shaved squirrel in his lap (I really thought that!). Moments later, when I realized what I must be looking at, I was shocked and disgusted and absolutely mortified that I had looked as long as I had. I immediately started running as fast as I could toward my bus stop, terrified that he would turn around again to follow me. Thankfully he didn’t and I caught my bus home and never saw him again. Looking back, what I remember most about that episode is the crushing flood of shame that I felt. I was so embarrassed and angry at myself for looking, and for being confused, and for not immediately understanding what was going on. I felt stupid and humiliated. Some sick-o guy on a bike had flashed me, and all I did was stare at him, wide-eyed and perplexed. I was so upset and ashamed of my response that I never told anyone about what had happened. It feels really good to finally tell someone now.